The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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