how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
