Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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