Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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