she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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