You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
