i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
