u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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