He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
