I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
