Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
