Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
