Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
