We won't sleep together?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize