Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
