I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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