he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
