Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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