the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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