i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
