and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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