i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
