He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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