Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
