i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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