she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
