A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
