i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
