Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
