Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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