i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
