A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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