I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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