If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
