he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
