Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
