WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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