I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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