That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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