no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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