have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
