Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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