you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
