She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
