I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
