My liver just broke up with me...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize