I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
