where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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