please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
