someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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