go do what you do best...puke behind churches
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
