I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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