I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
