someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
