Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
