You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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