I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
