I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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