There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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