also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
