I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
