You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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