Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
