i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
