i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
