In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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